All I do is win

I love black tie events. They give me the opportunity to dust off the fancy dresses that hardly ever see the  light of day and put on my chandelier earrings. I went to one such event this past Saturday and wore my Igigi Becca dress which is on its second airing and still looking fab even though in this photo my tights are falling down and creating a horrible line. Maybe I shouldn’t have pointed that out because now you are all scrutinising the photo even more closely….

While the event wasn’t particularly great, I did win two prizes in the raffle which is extremely lucky as I only bought two tickets in the first place. I won a bottle of Captain Morgan spiced rum, and a one month fitness pass. I’m not much of a drinker of anything, especially not rum but thank you very much. Now about the fitness pass. I actually KNEW I was going to win it. How? Because the comedian host had made a fat joke a few minutes earlier. I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be ironic if the fattest woman in the room won the fitness pass right after he’s been ripping into fat people. Lo and behold…… I’m sure the irony was lost on no-one. Was I mad? No. I think I am past the point of caring about anyones negative opinions of me now. I went and claimed my second prize and sat down, very pleased with my return on my £2 spend.

Now as though that wasn’t enough, once dessert was served he then commented that the person who won the prize is really gonna have to work hard to work off the dessert. I was mid conversation with someone at this point so I didn’t even get a chance to glare at him. Would he have said that regardless of  the size of the person who won the fitness pass? Possibly. Maybe the comment wasn’t particularly “fattist”, more “dessertist” ? I don’t know.  More irony ahead. The dessert was NASTY. Sticky toffee pudding made with treacle and served with ice cream. You know when cake is all hard on the outside cause its been left out too long, or sliced and put in the oven? That’s was it was like. Plus it generally just tasted bad. I have 32 sweet teeth and if I don’t eat a pudding you know it must be pretty poor. So, (probably) the fattest woman in the room  wins the fitness pass and doesn’t eat the dessert because its horrid, although this may have been perceived as guilt as y’know, fat people never refuse food regardless of how it tastes and she must have felt too guilty to eat it in public because she’s so big and we all just had a laugh at the expense of fatties. It’s a shame it wasn’t delicious as I would have enjoyed wolfing it down and asking for seconds. But then, that’s probably what they would have expected.  Sometimes you just can’t win. Oh hang on, I almost forgot- I did. Twice.